The Tasty Pilgrim

I really hope that you have found this song by Noel Coward on YouTube. The lyrics are great and the pronunciation of the words are superb. The subject of the song is of course life in India and how the English behaved. Well now, it may come as a surprise to you that although the British have lost the Raj, they still are as mad as a hatter in their behaviour. At first I thought of Fauwly Towers for the title for this story, but it supersedes it, so Mad dogs and Englishmen is the better choice. By the way did you realize that the character Maddox from the A-team got his name from this song ?! Apart from the autistic Hungarian, there is also an old hag present who seems to come with the place, from the looks of it over 80 years old. The outward appearance of a person is a reflection of the inner world. How true in this case. She looks dishevelled with old glasses like jam pots and she mumbles words and I really have to strain to understand.

It frustrates all my efforts to turn this place into something called excellence. This Lady Di (short for disaster) is far worse then Basil from Fauwlty Towers. But it seems you need someone to open the place in April who brings 30 pots of jam. You must be mad I thought when I heard of this feat. But you know, if an Englishmen is not excentric, he sees his shrink to get a doze of it. Hospitality is a trait you have in you. You cannot buy it or learn it. You either got it or not. Lady Di is a no-bird, clear from the start. English people cannot organize. Right on the first day it was disaster. I was so stupid to tell her that the place is infested with house-mite (never heard of) and that it might be a good idea to take the blankets from two beds and dust them and wash them. Within one week blankets would not smell so strong then. Much better than a yearly 450 snorers and farters leaving a mark on every blanket before it is thrown away. Are they ever thown away ? You know what ?! It turned out that all those old blankets came from people in England who did not need them any more when they are threadbare. The blankets are good enough for pilgrims then. And this is the case with all the material here ! In this refugio we live on the refuseheap of England and it is really like in the movie Slum Dog Millionair. Mad dogs and Englishmen ..........

At two in the afternoon you open up and let pilgrims in. People have been waiting for a shower and a bed. This Lady Di would not let them in but first delivered a sermon in 3 languages to show off a bad accent. This pisses people off and it was clear to see. Then her intake procedure started and it took an awfully long time before the last one was inside. She munbles at the pilgrims and many do not understand, but I explain when I bring them up. She does not have a mantra like Martha and even forgets to mention there is tea at five. So when I wanted to go round with tea, every pilgrim had left for greener pastures. Again the concept of hospitality seems to be alien to some. We are not here to command pilgrims we are here to serve them.

To my horror it turned out that Lady Di had taken all the blankets from the beds and started to throw them in the washing machine. First you should have beaten the dust out of them. No use to wash dusty blankets as they come out dusty again. The English are bad organisers. Now en essantial element of hospitality is gone. No blankets ! I hear Noel Coward singing ..............  By the way it is the first time in 20 years blankets are in a washing machine ! We are forbidden to have a cup of coffee. There is a coffee machine but she locks it away ! A pòt with old coffee is left on the kitchen sink with a note on it " cafe para peregrinos"

Mad dogs and Englishmen .......

Well you know, I have always secretly wished to sell an old coffee machine on Ebay ! This place needs a website and an internet connection. Lady Di is opposed, you see pilgrims might ask you questions. Wouldn´t that be a nuisance ! There is a not on the wall that you can go to another refugio for internet. That man over there laughs his head off ! Mad dogs and Englishmen .... Breakfast is served at seven. An elderly French lady came in and just wanted some hot watr for her Nescafe´. Of course I helped her. That is what I am here for. But not lady Di, the door should be kept locked. Mad dogs and Englishmen ..... If you do not have warmth in your heart, you cannot share it. Someone left his smelly boots in the room for hospitaleros. Mad dogs an Englishmen ....

By the way, met another old hag who comes to "work" here often. It looked like a sack of bones with badly dyed black hair on top. Also over 80 year old. It reminded me of the French composer Camille Saintsense and his Dance Macabre. Also on You Tube of course. Suddenly it dawne upon me. The place is run by little old ladies geriatric patients. Then the cashbox ! Everyone has a hidden agenda. When pilgrims have left, I open the cash box, count the money and write it down in the ledger, very detailed. so many banknotes of ten, so many banknotes if five, so many two Euro coins, so many one Euro coins etc. etc. Then you total it with the cash from previous days. Martha had done the books before me and together we counted out all the banklnotes and coins and I took over responsibility. On the second day the old hag suddenly said that she had taken money out of the box to change it for some pilgrims and this happened several times, but I never got the banknote that had come in exchange. Also she went off with coins, to change them in the shop and so help the shopkeeper. But again I never got the banknotes ! Now the whole money system and the books go wrong ! It was clear to me, she got sticky fingers. This I call the petty corruption. I refused to accept the situation and left a note in the accountbook, that I do NOT take any responsibility ! Also the Hungarian sticks his fingers in the cashbox. None is keeping the books now ! Mad dogs and Englishmen ............

But I do not come for types like these ! I just concentrate on my hospitality and warmth towards pilgrims.

In fact I agree with my predecessor Aimee from the 12 th century. This is not hospitality as the holy martyr wanted it to be offered to pilgrims. It is shameful behaviour towards the saint. Mad dogs and Englishmen ............

The old hag is a religious fanatic, just like a Jehova Witness. She sends all the pilgrims to the monks. First thing you see on the door when you step inside is a list in four languages when there are services by the monks. This refugio Gaucelmo is not a Catholic place, so her behaviour is totally out of order. Guess she collects bonus points for an extra Sunday morning boner from these guys. In the meantime they have built their own refugio and prosper from all the pilgrims she sends to the church. What a mess ! Mad dogs and Englismen.....................

But you know the explanation is simple. The holy martyr is called Jakob or Jacobus or Jacobeya all over the world. James is the name of the butler as everyone knows. So their Saint James is just a fake, a cheat and not the real one. Elementary my Dear Watson, very elementary !

The Detective Pilgrim